The Mysterious Case of “Lucy Allan MP”
by SJ Griffin
In the last week or so the world of politics, and wider society, seems to have slipped the noose of reality and entered a world not dissimilar to the one Alice encountered through the looking glass where everything is the opposite way round. The truth and lies being, as usual, the first in the firing line. But they are not the only casualty. Another tragic victim of this frightening flip fantasia is tragic Telford MP Lucy Allan.
You may remember Lucy Allan as the MP who, in fit of jealousy after seeing the attention that other MPS, such as Stella ‘Noble Defender of Her Constituents’ Creasy, were getting from the media, decided to fabricate a death threat.
This seems like quite a big thing, no? Then join me for a moment as I wonder why Channel Four, to pick just one mainstream media channel, described this as a ‘non-story’. The BBC, bless them, tried to cover it. If giving her a platform to excuse herself is covering it. But they gave it a go and that’s the main thing. They tried.
Rest assured that we will shine a light on it here.
I think to truly rummage around in the bloody guts of this non-story we need to look at it in the context of the society we now live in. A world where an unsubstantiated post on Facebook is an impeccable journalistic source and post-it notes are weapons of mass destruction. A world where everything is uncertain and confusing.
One thing we can be sure of in these difficult times is that Twitter knows who is real and who isn’t. They communicate this by adding a pleasing blue tick next to the usernames of Real People. Like Ryan Reynolds. He’s real. Andy Murray? Real. David Cameron, sadly, also seems to be real. Lucy Allan? Not real. No blue tick.
I did want to get an image of this for you, as I believe in evidence, but Lucy Allan seems to have deleted her Twitter account:
And her Facebook account
Let’s not be deterred though, that’s what she wants. She wants us to forget all about this because she’s sitting on a majority of 1.8%. Sitting on a tiny majority is a leading cause of piles you know.
In my yard, Walthamstow, we have experience of sock puppets causing problems on social media. I’m looking at you Paul S Jakubovic, or should I call you Paul Jakubovic or should I call you….? Oh, never mind. And it’s not without the realms of possibility that Lucy Allan MP is another sock puppet. A very convincing one. I think she’s some kind of sophisticated android. I put in a pretend-call to PricewaterhouseCoopers, where she worked from 1987 to 1994, and they confirmed that she did work there, but she was actually a calculator. One of those scientific ones that can do trigonometry, but still.
I suspect that now her social media accounts have been suspended her power is weak. She probably only has enough strength to manifest as one of those little robot hoovers and is currently going back and forth, back and forth as she tries to get out from the back of the bin in the kitchen. At this point she is only able to enslave dogs but we must not be complacent. Her Wikipedia page is still live and she will be drawing strength from it every day.
Just as an aside that page features this strange paragraph:
Um, OK. Glad you cleared that up.
Not long after this story – sorry, I mean non-story – broke Lucy Allan tweeted that it wasn’t her fault, it was Labour supporters that were targeting Tory MPs in former Labour seats with death threats and yet more vile abuse. I wish I could show you this tweet, it was very funny. She is, of course, almost right. As an MP, or “MP” as we should actually call her, Lucy Allan – sorry, I mean “Lucy Allan” – doesn’t get sent emails, people don’t post on her Facebook page or tweet her. They target her. And I suspect this is a co-ordinated effort as she suggested. But not by Labour supporters. My pretend-investigations are starting to uncover a team working within the Labour Party and, having irredeemably damaged their political careers in one way or another, they have accepted a secret mission. Their mission is to distract the electorate so that the government can get away with whatever they want. They are not Labour supporters. They are the Suicide Squad, soon to feature in their very own documentary:
We should also consider another serious issue. Once upon a time I suffered a three month freelance contract in a digital team in the Department of Work and Pensions. You could write everything that civil servants understand about anything related to computers on the back of a stamp and still have room to write a detailed essay entitled ‘This isn’t a democracy, it’s a travesty’. On the postive side, it was always hilarious sitting in meetings with them:
If “Lucy Allan” has started to develop IT skills we should all be concerned. Now one of them can cut and paste it’s only a matter of decades before the rest of them become capable enough to actually introduce such madcap IT-reliant projects as ID cards and then it’s National Databases as far as the eye can see. Then they really will be able to get into your computer and see what you’re doing. Then they’ll be able to pretend you’ve done things you haven’t without anyone being able to prove otherwise. And once they work out how to that, we’ll need more than a disreputable band of Labour MPs with a grudge.