Fifty shades of fighting fascists

by SJ Griffin

Here on Sex Crime Island we have had a terrible month. My frothing at the mouth on social media may have confused some of you, but here is a small explanation which will not help illuminate things at all. Still, let us proceed.

A minority of people have cast their votes in the General Election in such a way that all the rest of us are lumbered with the Shiny Manatee again. I don’t know why they did that.


There is now a massive queue forming at the border filled with old people, disabled people, poor people, ill people and non-white people trying to get out of the country before the government starve or freeze them to death. This may come as a surprise to those who thought the queue was on the other side of the border, with people trying to get in to take advantage of all the free food and heat that’s being handed out here. How we laugh. And then we cry. And then we roll on the floor wailing that this isn’t a democracy.

So, then the EDL come to my peaceful corner of London to march up the main road shouting about how much they hate our Muslim community, who we like enormously. For those of you who don’t know the English Defence League are a bit like Lidl Nazis. They are violent white supremacists who have to share three brain cells, one of which is on the blink. And they really hate Muslims at the moment because Sex Crime Island is going currently through a terrible phase of Islamophobia and they leapt on that particular band wagon as it rolled past them with enormous glee. You know that bully at your school? Yes, exactly like them but with bad tattoos. The local community came out and demonstrated against them, of course, because we are the type of people who come together to lift a bus off an unicyclist.

The police felt, very strongly, that it was the EDL’s democratic right to march in Walthamstow and that was more important than the democratic rights of people who actually live here to peacefully go about their business while shops remained open and children were able to leave their houses. Odd, no? You would think they would be stopping the criminal behaviour, not facilitating it. I’m a baffled as you.

None of the Lidl Nazis were from here in E17, they came from across Britain to impose their views upon us. Why, I hear you ask, did they not just march in their own town? Well, firstly there aren’t many of them, and they are pretty spread out, so there would be a march of one person in a few towns and villages. That’s more of a vague wander. The other problem they have is that almost all of the EDL members have criminal records, there’s a lot of serious sex offences, domestic abuse, fraud and violence crime. So all that would happen if they march at home is that people would look at them and go ‘Oh, look, there’s Dave from down the road. I didn’t know he was out of prison. You don’t get very long nowadays for pestering twelve year olds for sex outside their school gates, do you?’ The electronic tag database must have gone mental when they all converged in East London.

I think about four EDL people got arrested, a couple charged with throwing ball bearings at passers-by, and about a dozen local people were arrested, then released without charge funnily. One of these was a 17 year old girl who wasn’t sure which way to go home due to the police blocking all the roads of and got nicked for not making her mind up fast enough. And this is the writing part, gentle reader, thank you for sticking with me. She was taken to a holding cell – that wasn’t in a police station – and put in with the EDL people (let’s hope not the sex offend-y ones) and something extraordinary happened. I am not quite sure what can be done with this piece of information. Perhaps it is a terrible new tactic the police have developed now we’ve become hard to kettle.

Perhaps it is an indication of how low our new right wing government are prepared to sink. The police gave her a book to read to pass the time. They gave her Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey.

What a world we live in, what a world.